There are a lot of reasons that big league pitchers shouldn’t skp the minor leagues. One that is pretty far down that list, but nonetheless still very important, is learning not to shoplift cheap T-shirts from department stores. Mike Leake, the starting pitcher for the Cincinnati Reds that never went to the minors, learned that lesson the hard way today. And judging by his mugshot, he apparently never learned how to comb his hair either.
What prompted this pitching wunderkind to turn to a life of crime? Apparently he just had to have six t-shirts from Amercan Rag totaling a grand total of $59.88. While most people are left wondering why a kid who makes nearly half a million dollars per year (not to mention that fat signing bonus he got when he was drafted not so long ago) felt the need to remove the security tags from the shirts (allegedly) and attempt to do his best Winona Ryder impersonation with them, I am more curious as to why he couldn’t have shown a little more imagination?
T-shirts are just so boring. What’s the real risk in that? 180 days in jail? Like he is really going to serve any of that. After all, he’s a celebrity, at least by Ohio standards. Heck, Leake may not even get suspended as his public humiliation for stealing cheap clothing seems like punishment enough. If he is really looking to feel a little bit of a thrill by breaking the law, why not follow the lead from some other famous MLB thieves?
Who could forget Ruben Rivera? Not only was he known for being a substantial bust of a prospect, but he cemented his status in epic failure lore by pilfering equipment from Derek Jeter, which is the baseball equivalent of trying to steal the shroud off Jesus’ back.
If the item doesn’t matter to Leake, and clearly it doesn’t judging by American Rag shirts like this one, he could have at least tried to up the level of difficulty. Anyone can stuff a few shirts down their pants or into a bag, but Jason Grimsley set the bar pretty high for MLB thievery when he went Mission Impossible-style and crawled through the ceilings at Jacobs Field to retrieve Albert Belle’s corked bat. To be fair to Leake, Grimsley had an advantage since there was a good chance he was using PEDs at the time.
To his credit, Leake has already collaborated with the Reds to issue an apology statement. Until then, the legal process will run its course and Leake will likely do everything in his power to avoid missing any game action beyond whatever punishment the team or league hands down to him. Beyond that, the only pressing concern that remains unresolved is what we will call Leake from now on.
Mike “Five Finger Discount” Leake (a la Mordecai “Three Fingers” Brown)?
“Rags” is a good nickname, but Leake would have to steal it from Dave Righetti and he should really avoid any form of theft at this point.
At a minimum, he should change his at-bat music to something from the Plain White T’s.
Thank you, I’ll be here all week. Be kind to your waitress. Try the fish.
