I know mostly everyone was incredibly relieved this last weekend after the predicted Rapture failed to come to pass. I don’t know about the rest of you, but had some big plans last weekend (playing XBOX and eating cold pizza) and spiritually ascending to the heavens would have been super inconvenient.
Even better than the world not ending is that the 2011 baseball season will carry on unencumbered by Armageddon.
Or will it? (Cue ominous music)
While the Rapture didn’t exactly go as planned on Saturday, it seems that good ol’ Harold Camping is thoroughly convinced that the End of Days is still coming and coming fast. And who could doubt his word given his sterling record for predictive accuracy?
According to the esteemed Mr. Camping, the Rapture over the weekend actually did happen, it was just invisible. Kind of like how I’ve been in a long-term sexual relationship with Marissa Miller for the last several years only she just doesn’t know about it, because our love and lust is invisible. Anyway, Camping has set a new date for our impending doom: October 21st!
Wait. Why does that date sound familiar?
Sonuvabitch! The World Series starts October 19th! Stupid God!!!!
Maybe I’m just being selfish, but is it really so much to ask that God holds off on Judgment Day until the 2011 World Series winner is determined? I mean, I think he kind of owes us, right?
Just imagine what a tease that will be. Two fan bases will be just working themselves into a frenzy over their teams making it to the World Series and just when the first two games are over and the tension in the series really starts to mount- BOOM! Giant fireball! Series over. World over. What a bummer.
Seriously, if my team makes the World Series and gets incinerated by God’s wrath, then it really is just going to ruin the afterlife for me. And I stand by that statement even if it turns out that the Muslim extremists were right and we all get 72 virgins to use as we please once we move on to the next plane of existence.
Now, I’m no Bible scholar, but I think I know why this whole Armageddon thing is about to go down right in the middle of the World Series. God hates Cleveland. Plain and simple. The Lord must be keeping an eye on the standings and seeing the Indians with the best record in baseball has drawn his ire. Rather than let the Tribe get their first title since 1948, God is just going to smite us all. But he wants to torture the poor souls in Cleveland by letting them get their hopes up first. That way they are all prepared for what their existence will be like after the End of Days and they are all banished to Hell (as if living in Cleveland weren’t hell on earth already).
Thanks a lot, Cleveland. For once you had to go and be overachievers and now you’ve damned us all.
Maybe, just maybe though, the Indians can make the ultimate sacrifice and give us all a little salvation. All they have to is stop all this silly winning. Perhaps then God will shine down on us with forgiveness and spare us the fire and brimstone. So, you know, feel free to knock it off, Indians. Especially you, Asdrubal Cabrera.
I swear, Cleveland, if you screw this up for the rest of us, I will so march right down to Hades and throw you into that lake of fire myself.
