Due to his alleged involvement in a ring of illegal, high stakes poker games, Alex Rodriguez is being summoned to the league offices in New York to discuss this potentially very serious matter. The talk may not happen for a few weeks yet and when it does, we surely won’t ever know exactly what was said, but that isn’t going to stop me from imagining how that little sitdown might unfold. In fact, I think it might go a little something like this:
Bud: Alex, good to see you again. Thanks for meeting with me. I wish this could be under more pleasant circumstances though.
A-Rod: Sure, whatever, Bud. Is this going to take long? I’m flying my hairstylist in from Miami this afternoon and I don’t want to keep her waiting.
Bud: Alex, I’m concerned that you aren’t taking my warnings on this underground poker game matter seriously. We’ve warned you about participating in them in the past and yet you still seem to be attending them regularly. I need you to understand, Alex, the league treats any and all gambling-related situations as potentially dire situations. We cannot and will not allow this league to be affected by gambling. It is the cardinal rule of professional sport.
A-Rod: OK, Commish. Whatever you say. No more poker for me. (A-Rod winks at Selig)
Bud: Umm, why did you just wink at me?
A-Rod: Come on, Bud. I’m A-Rod! Everything will be just fine. I am a master of PR. Everyone loves, A-Rod. I’ll just call up that Selena Roberts chick, make another little apology and promise never to do it again. I’ll make up something about the pressure of stardom and needing to relieve stress and I’ll come off as a sympathetic figure, just like I did with that steroid nonsense.
Bud: Well, alright, if that is how you want to handle it, I guess I am OK with that, just so long as you stay away from these poker games for goo.
A-Rod: Oh, yeah, sure. Like I said, (making air quotes with his fingers) “no more poker.” Just like when I said (making air quotes with his fingers again) “no more steroids.” Great talk, Bud. Glad I came in. I’ll let you know when my publicist finishes writing up all my answers for that interview.
Bud: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Alex, I wasn’t kidding. You CANNNOT play in these poker games anymore. We have a zero tolerance policy for gambling. I don’t want to suspend you, but if you defy me again, you aren’t going to leave me with any other choice.
A-Rod: Ugh, you are such a nag. Your being more whiny than my ex-wife was all those times she begged me to quit sleeping with strippers in Toronto. Or was it Boston? I can never keep them straight. Either way, Bud, I think it is you that doesn’t understand. I’m not just a ballplayer anymore. A-Rod is a brand now and I have to keep up appearances. I date movie stars now. Or at least I did up until I dumped that leathery Cameron Diaz broad. Personally I always thought she looked like a female version of Otis Nixon, but my manager insists she was great for my Q score. But now that I’m not with her anymore, I HAVE to play in these underground poker games with other celebrities to maintain my status. Besides, do you know how much crap Tobey and Leo are going to give me if I miss this week’s game? (Alex gets up and starts slowly walking towards a mirror on the office wall)
Bud: I can’t believe what I am hearing. This isn’t about your image! If anything, this is about the image of Major League Baseball. With all the DUIs we’ve had in the league this year, people are already hammering us for being soft on crime. The last thing this league can afford is a gambling controversy. I know you probably aren’t mixed up in anything that could result in game-fixing, but I can’t take that chance. I’m sorry, Alex, but I’m going to have to make an example out of you. Do you understand what I’m saying, Alex?
A-Rod: (Staring intently at his own reflection) Huh? Um, yeah, sure, I’m an example to everyone. A-Rod is great, I know.
Bud: What? Are you even paying attention?
A-Rod: (Now talking to his reflection) Hey, there handsome. Come around here often? I really like the color of your lips. There is just something about them that is so manly about them and, yet so… so… sensual.
Bud: What the-?
A-Rod:You have no idea how long I’ve wanted this. (He begins kissing his own reflection)
Bud: (Buzzing his secretary on the intercom) Ms. Watkins, have security come to my office. He’s doing it again. And tell them to hurry! I still haven’t gotten the stains out of the drapes from the last time.
THE END
