Here at TOC, we're going to be covering this season of Survivor. Why? Because one of the contestants is Miami Marlins president David Samson. Today, we'll be recapping the season premiere.
In Survivor: Cagayan, there are three teams competing – brawn, brains, and beauty. David Samson of the Miami Marlins is a member of the brains tribe. Samson and his tribe came to the island on a helicopter. During Samson's introduction, he explained who he was by saying, "in the world of baseball, there is only one winner. I've been doing it on the field, but I've never done it on the beach," which doesn't make any sense considering the Marlins are in…you know…Miami.
Samson is named the leader of the brains tribe by his teammates, because "you can never trust a man in a blazer". Samson correctly points out that his outfit isn't a suit because it doesn't match, and names his teammate Garrett as the weakest member of the brains tribe. But SWERVE ALERT, Garrett and the two players chosen as the weakest links on the other teams are whisked away on a helicopter, and they're presumably going to Toronto to hang out with Jose Reyes and Mark Buehrle.
Or, they're taken to a different part of the island. Garrett is given the option of helping his team or helping himself, and obviously chooses to help himself and go on the hunt for an immunity idol. An angry Garrett vents in a confessional about David's "asinine decision", and this seems more realistic than ever. Garrett eventually finds the immunity idol, and he's prepared to rub it in David's face. Could you imagine if Theo Epstein did that when the Marlins traded Josh Beckett and Mike Lowell to the Red Sox, leading to Boston winning the 2007 World Series?
After checking in with the two tribes, we head back to Luzon for the reunion of the brains tribe. Spencer bashes David in a confessional for choosing Garrett as the team's weak link. J'Tia immediately takes control of the shelter building, rubbing her teammates the wrong way. David compares her to someone who "looks like they know what they're doing, but when they get a bat in their hands, they're like Bugs Bunny". So…Logan Morrison?
Jeff Probst meets up with the tribes for today's challenge, which involves the tribes needing to unlock a few chests, put them on carts, drag them around, and disassemble the cart, transport it through an obstacle course, then put together a puzzle located in the chests with immunity and fire making supplies up for grabs. The brains tribe lags behind the other two tribes and eventually falls apart completely. The beauty tribe wins, just edging out the brawn tribe. Meanwhile, the brains tribe…did pretty terrible, and didn't even have the puzzle halfway done before the other tribes finished. You know what that means – the brains tribe is heading to tribal council already.
Before heading to tribal council, David and Kass chat about who they want to send home. David leans towards voting for Garrett, while Kass wants to get rid of J'Tia. Garrett, J'Tia, and Tash all have a powwow, and agree to all vote David out. Spencer casts some doubt into Garrett's mind about voting for David because he's been disappearing and might have an immunity idol (which Spencer doesn't know that Garrett has).
In tribal council, David and J'Tia go back and forth about her failed plan for the shelter. and it really looks like one of those two will be going home. The six tribe members vote, and the votes are revealed…to eliminate David, with four votes.
And my friends, that is that. After one episode, Marlins president David Samson's Survivor adventure is over. The guy took off a chunk of the 2013 season, and didn't even make it through the season's first tribal council.
If this is an omen for the Marlins this year, they're in trouble.
