The world might end in 2012, right? So why should major league baseball teams continue to hide behind their generic slogans as they do every season? “This is Birdland”, “Green Collar Baseball”, etc. Nice try people, but it’s time to give the fans a slogan that shows them what you really want to say. In that light, I give you the real slogans of Major League Baseball, 2012 edition…
Angels – “We got Pujols, B!###ES!”
Astros – “We know you love minor league baseball, so here it is!!!”
Athletics – “We’re trying to put together a team that will help us relocate to San Jose. What are you saying? Some of these guys are furniture movers?”
Blue Jays – “Because AA is smarter than you.”
Braves – “Our starting rotation is seven deep. How do you like them apples?”
Brewers – “Come on out to the park. First round’s on Prince!”
Cardinals – “We didn’t want to say anything at the time, but Albert Pujols and Tony LaRussa are the same age. Suck it Halos!”
Cubs – “Theo eats curses for breakfast.”
Diamondbacks – “Come see the Tat Man and Gingerbeard live and in person!”
Dodgers – “We still got Vin Scully B!###ES!”
Giants – “We’re doing everything in our power to make sure you don’t see Brandon Belt play this summer. Yay beards!!!!”
Indians – “We have uniforms and everything. It’s really great!”
Mariners – “Cy Young voters are onto something here…wins are overrated!”
Marlins – “Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!”
Mets – “I never heard of half of these guys and the ones I do know are way past their prime.”
Nationals – “No seriously, we’re getting real good you guys!”
Orioles – “If you like strikeouts, you’ll love our offense!”
Padres – “Who gives a $#!t, the weather’s great and Randy Jones’s BBQ is fired up!”
Phillies – “Youth is overrated. Our pitching is not.”
Pirates – “We’ll get there someday. Promise!”
Rangers – “If you don’t come out to the park, Nolan Ryan will scowl at you. You do not want Nolan Ryan to scowl at you. Trust us.”
Rays – “You do realize how good we are, right?”
Red Sox – “Fenway Park: Where legends are made, curses are broken and you won’t have to see John Lackey pitch in 2012!”
Rockies – “A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I’m talking about a little place called Coors Field.”
Royals – “We kept Jeff Francoeur and Bruce Chen, just like you asked.”
Tigers – “Come see which top pitching prospect we rush to the big leagues next!”
Twins – “Our catcher once hit .365 with 28 homers, now he does commercials!”
White Sox – “Because Adam Dunn can’t be any worse, right?”
Yankees – “Yes, we’re still here. We’re just kind of chillin’ this offseason. But don’t worry; Rafael Soriano did not opt out of his contract. So think of that as an $11M signing. See you in October.”
