Right now, the Oscars are taking over the national pop culture conversation.
For the next two days, social media and the water cooler will be abuzz about who wore what, who got robbed and who stands to capitalize most on their big win.
But why should the Oscars fun be limited to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences? Without further ado, we here at The Outside Corner would like to hand out a couple of Oscars of our own.
Best Actor: Prince Fielder, Detroit Tigers
This award could have gone to any number of characters. There was Ryan Braun for keeping his simmering rage over his 2011 MVP season being tainted. There was Albert Pujols pretending that his decision in free agency wasn’t in fact all about the money. There were White Sox and A’s GMs Kenny Williams playing the part of a mad scientists, with both claiming to be undertaking a youth movement and then making moves that fly directly in the face of that statement.
In the end though, there was one performance this offseason that captivated us all for better or worse. The Oscar goes to…newly minted Tigers first baseman Prince Fielder. Prince was a mystery wrapped in an enigma burrito served on a plate garnished with question marks. Each day brought with it a new rumor as to where he was heading. Was he destined for our nation’s capital, where he’d form a murderer’s row (tongue obviously in cheek) with Jayson Werth and a freshly healed Ryan Zimmerman? Would he take aim for the Rogers Centre’s upper deck in Toronto as a Blue Jay, giving the home crowd the same thrills they got when Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco used to come to town. Or perhaps he’d burn every bridge he ever built in Milwaukee by moving 90 minutes down I-94 to Wrigley Field, donning the hated blue pinstripes of the Cubs.
In the end, Prince made the smartest decision from a financial and competitive standpoint by choosing to follow in his estranged father’s footsteps by signing with the Tigers. The Tigers give him the best shot at winning a World Series title. All it took was 9 years and $214 million of Mike Ilitch’s money, but that’ll look like a bargain if Fielder delivers on his immense promise. No word on whether or not that contract comes with an unlimited supply of Little Caesar’s Hot-N-Ready pizzas.
Best Supporting Actor: The trainer who kept Ryan Braun’s urine sample in his fridge overnight
This one really goes without saying. Braun stressed his innocence from the get-go with the conviction of a man who knew that he was being wronged. At this point though, it doesn’t matter what he did or didn’t do because the trainer handling his specimen didn’t do what he was supposed to with it — FedEx it to the lab overnight. Thus, while Braun’s specimen tested positive, his 50-game suspension was overturned based on the fact that it was improperly handled. The court of public opinion seems split on the decision. Most think he’s still guilty as sin and will thus be under a white hot microscope going in to 2012. Brewers fans are just breathing a sign of relief that The Hammer has in their eyes been vindicate and more importantly will not be sitting out the first 50 games of the season. While the rest of the NL may want to crucify the trainer in question, the fact of the matter is he unintentionally became one of the most important parts of the Brewers 2012 success.
Best Picture: The Miami Marlins
New set, new director, new cast of characters…this one wasn’t even close. The Marlins went from a boring franchise playing in one of the worst ballparks in all of professional sports to a franchise as colorful and interesting as their new uniforms. This team was a lot of things this offseason, but they certainly were not boring. Their brand new ballpark, which lacks a corporate sponsor but is currently the subject of an investigation by the Securities and Exchange Commission, features one of the ugliest scoring celebrations ever displayed in any sport ever in the form of the light up thigamajig that pops up whenever a Marlin hits a home run.
Their roster features a cornucopia of characters designed to get the fans on their feets and the team’s name in the news. The pitching staff now includes Chicago ex-pats Mark Buehrle and Carlos Zambrano with Heath Bell closing the door in the 9th inning. Jose Reyes takes over at shortstop as Hanley Ramirez somewhat reluctantly moves over to third base. Ozzie Guillen takes over as manager as a sort of anti-Fredi Gonzalez. They’ll be wearing some of the ugliest or most cutting edge uniforms in all of sport depending on who you ask featuring neon colors, a marlin that looks nothing like a marlin, and orange tops that would stand out in the middle of Carnival. Miami is not now and will never be a baseball town, but the organization’s current incarnation gives residents something to do during those sultry summer nights other than hang out on South Beach.
Best Director: Arte Moreno, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
Moreno looked across Southern California at the area’s other Major League Baseball team to see the iconic Dodgers in a state of disarray thanks largely to the fiasco created by the demise of Frank McCourt’s marriage and ownership of the team. So he did what any savvy businessman does when he sees his competition struggling — he grabbed the biggest knife he could find and plunged it straight into their hearts. Moreno opened his pocketbook, doling out hundreds of millions of dollars to ink the biggest free agent of the offseason (Albert Pujols) and one of the best pitchers from a rival (CJ Wilson). The press conference introducing the two was held outside of Angel Stadium and carried with it all the fanfare of a rock concert, with thousands of screaming fans cheering Moreno and their new heroes. Moreno gave his GM Jerry DiPoto a blank check with which to work and as a result emerged one of the biggest winners of the offseason.
Costume Design: The Toronto Blue Jays
This one wasn’t even close. The Blue Jays ditched their old charcoal gray, metallic blue and black design in favor of an updated version of the uniforms they wore during their glory days in the early 1990s. The look is resplendent and classy. The team unveiled three jerseys, white at home, gray on the road and a royal blue alternate. There will only be one cap, a refreshing change of pace after years of teams going with as many caps as possible to move as much merchandise as they can. The end result is something that is simple, clean and looks like a baseball uniform should look. If the players wearing these duds can play as good as they look, baseball fans north of the border are going to be celebrating the dawning of a new golden era of Toronto Blue Jays baseball.
Got any other nominees you’d like to suggest? Leave them in the comments below.
